Archive for May, 2008

adventures in pink

Posted in adventure, philly with tags on May 31, 2008 by staticity

Adventures in Pink

Being a model or a porn star is  the kind of job any girl thinks of having at least once when they are fifteen. Something glamorous yet intriguing and tough.
She came with a pink polka dot suitcase and approximately sixteen boxes of shoes. They stacked to the ceiling of the third bedroom of our row house.  For years I had heard about her from my roommate, the excitement, the parties, the catty sophistication of something different. So naturally I was nervous.

One afternoon my partner in crime, the porn roommate, and I decided to go on an adventure. It was one of those days where the air was just starting to get hot, but the public fountains were just right. With round, tall, sun glasses, we headed off into the sunlight to promote her newest movie.

She held a bundle of rolled up posters in her hand as she walked into the first adult store on Chestnut.  I stood from the window, peering inside to see what was going on. I pulled at the hem of my skirt, wondering if anyone thought I was a prostitute smoking outside the sex shop. A large man with baggy clothing sat in the very back of the store with a drink clasped in his hand. I walked into the store.

“I could just leave them here?” She held the poster of cheerleaders spread open on the desk.
“We don’t hang posters.” The man looked annoyed at her smiling face. He muttered something about handing them to his boss, but he was just going to toss them out.

She left a poster and we headed off toward the gayborhood. All the artistic stores who knew where it was at, all resided there.  We passed a few construction workers, whistling at our outfits, to my surprise we stopped walking. She showed them the poster and gave a flirtatious smile. Their slow accent hovered over the street and into our ears. I kissed my partner in crime on the cheek. No. I wasn’t on the cheerleaders poster.
After promising she could get in touch with them through e-mail, they took her business website down on the back of the poster and we were off.

At last we found the store of all hope. It was a red painted building located on a side street between two major ones. Little Richie was heard playing on the radio from outside.

“Hello?” We admired the knitted bikini’s hanging from the wall. Instantly a tall woman with a huge smile greeted us from behind the counter. She noticed the un-rolled poster and shrieked, “Oh My God! Dave, get out here!” She shouted someone in the back room.
A sign with a joint painted on the top read: No Smoking of Any Kind

A big, red-faced, man walked into the room with his trousers pulled bellow the paunch resting above the belt. He instantly recognized my roommate from the porn awards hosted the previous year. He had the picture of her with so and so. Did she remember so and so? No, she didn’t, but he has a camera with the pictures still on it.
The manager comes back with his digital camera and shows us a few photographs from the award show. Sure enough, so and so IS with her.

He takes a few pictures of her holding one of the store dildo’s before the woman behind the counter rushes to give us some free merchandise. I am with a celebrity. I watch with fascination and a confused sense of high school awe as her picture is snapped a few times. My partner and I move out of the picture as the woman behind the counter wants one of her too.

The adventure has awaken some of the more honest thoughts that have been musing around in my head. While feminism and femininity aren’t the same thing, they can often be perceived as it.



Posted in insanity, life, philly with tags , , , on May 27, 2008 by staticity

I started Suboxone today at the doctor’s office. He gave me the first dose to watch and see if it kicked in as fast as it should. It did. Oh my God. I’m normal. I’M NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It kicked in after twenty minutes. My goosebumps disolved and the jimmies are gone. The twitching and joint aches are almost completely gone and the best part is, the cravings aren’t there!!! It’s crazy. I know there’s no such thing as a magic pill, but this comes pretty damn close. I know I can kick the habit for good now.

I don’t feel high. I don’t feel bad. I have a normal amount of energy and I can walk around with out a lot of pain! After the doctors office, I filled the script and decided to walk home in the bright sun of two p.m. I bought an apple for 89 cents at the rittenhouse market and talked on the phone to Mom. She is excited for me too! Nic and I are doing it together.

Currently he’s dancing to Michael Jackson with me. We are so cool. I totally thought I was going to feel like shit for the rest of my life. Like it was never going to get reversed. I was so scared I was going to take the medicine and it was going to be just like methadone and I wouldn’t be able to quit. Or worse, I would just realize that there wasn’t anything to live for, but I remember. I remember what it’s like to be sober and happy.

I’m doing good. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Posted in Uncategorized on May 24, 2008 by staticity

You know when you hear that song that you haven’t heard in god knows when, and you know something really strange is going on. You can’t pin point it. You just turned on the radio and the song might be over in a matter of seconds. You’ve got only a split second to live.
Jamie’s crying.

Last night was the last. Friday dirt in my yellow room. No more yellow, I’m telling you. We were all stretched out on the mattress. the canope. the floor. packed in like sardines with drooling happiness. Jesse was telling a story, but I can’t remember it for the life of me. Jessica was trying to ignore danny with out his feelings getting hurt. I’m off in some other place all together, thinking about my sideways window. Thinking about Michael Jackson. Where did he go?
And then it becomes an obsession. Something I have to find. No, push it away, it’s not important.

An image of one of the Mike’s from high school flashes into my head. He’s moonwalking across the club floor with disco lights flashing around in unison. We’re clapping and moving like animals to Thriller and he’s drunk. We’re drunk. Thrilled. Definitely.

The flash is over and my yellow room has turned to twlight of Saturday. I wake up and songs are pounding in my head, I can hear them through my radio mind until I’m singing them. Humming them. Typing them. Smiling. Not quite ready to let them go.

The Bathroom

Posted in adventure, grunge, interactions, life, philly, relationships with tags on May 23, 2008 by staticity

The basement was flooded with sewage. The toilet wouldn’t flush and the corner stores did not have public bathrooms. What was one to do? I waited for as long as I could, but when nature called there was nothing I could do. Peeing was not an option.

I walked next door to the woman who often sat on her stoop. She would joke with the neighbors and say hello to everyone that lived in our house.  I found her sitting on her stoop, drinking lemonade.

“My bathroom doesn’t work and I hate to ask you this, but do you think I could use yours?” I had only said hi to her a few times and she didn’t really know us. Her smile flashed broad and white as she nodded her head with a knowing smile.

“Of course honey, these old row houses always have plumbing problems.”

She led me through the front door of her identical looking house. The outside was a mirror to our house, but from inside it was a different world. The furniture was mostly broken and the floors were half way ripped up with un-finished wood pannels. A narrow stairwell led upstairs to the single bathroom.

“Just don’t flush, I have to jiggle the handle afterward.”

I didn’t know how to explain to her that this wasn’t going to be a pretty sight. The bathroom was a small room with only a bath tub and a small toilet with a metal chain attached to the handle.  I sat and looked out the window into the back courtyard.

“Thank you,” I said again as I left the house.

A few mintues later I saw the woman throwing my shit out her window. Her toilet didn’t work either apparently. She must have not wanted me to know that it was broken. How long had her pipes not been working? Her smile was big when I asked if I could use her bathroom, she never hinted that she had the same problems and maybe a similar money situation.  Through pride and manners, she never said a thing to me about it, not then, not ever. I am eternally grateful.


Dr. K called me the other day and reffered me to someone who is willing to prescribe me suboxone. I’m ecstatic. I called him today but the earliest time he has for an appointment is two weeks away. God give me strength.


Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2008 by staticity

In cabs

Posted in adventure, grunge, insanity, interactions, life, philly on May 17, 2008 by staticity

Philadelphia is raining again. It starts every night a couple hours after dark and doesn’t end until early morning.  I watched the rain from inside a cushy cab to the bank. One of those creepy guys in their forties who always look nervous, was driving slowly down Washington ave.

“Oh I miss my wife.” He met his wife two years ago but they deported her to Albania a year after. This june was supposed to be their anniversary where he visited her in Europe, but his mother died and he had to stay in the U.S. this year. Do I work? He wants to know because HE works all day and night to get some money for his wife.

“She tells me that she loves me and she knows how men have….” he looks in the rear view mirror. “needs. so she says to me that I should go out and get a girl.” he laughs weakly as I watch the chinese food stores roll by. Wet people loitering around the laundromat held their heads to their shoes. Pacing.

I smile politely and the driver continues to tell me that he is a romantic. His wedding anniversary was now on  Valentines Day.

I finally re-appeared on Opal street where I found the jem house with the missing box.  I was lucky.

trouble ahead

Posted in Uncategorized on May 12, 2008 by staticity

Driving that train. High on cocaine. trouble ahead. trouble behind.
Rain is flooding the streets of Philadelphia, swarming into gutters and washing down toward the abandoned buildings. I watch it out of my sideways window, I can see the building next door and some vines stretching out over the cement courtyard. No doubt about it.We’re all going to drown in our own filth.

Randy newman was playing on the radio. I still can’t get it out of my head. That stupid rednecks song wouldn’t even make it to NPR. Not yesterday. Not in the future. (We’re still rebels with out cause.) Mother’s day was yesterday and I left a message on the machine. Ma called this afternoon. Her roof is leaking, but she got some duct tape so ”everything’s okay for a little while.”

“Back on my feet again.”

The mexi-mart down the block has coffee cakes for fifty cents. The little debbie kind, but I don’t care. I tore off that wrapper right there on the rainy street and gorged. Hungry. greatful. two dollars in my pocket, for a bus ride to nowhere. somewhere. anywhere. tomorrow i’ll go.