9th day NA

Today is my tenth day clean. I hate today. There’s nothing more that I want to do right now than go down to 5th and washington.  but no.

Yesterday (9th day) I went to a different meeting in center city this time. There were a lot more younger people there and I felt like I could relate more to them.  A guy named Jack picked me up before the meeting and we got coffee at the old cafe steph/eric/I used to go to.  Jack lived in south philly his whole life. He used to live in the same area as I do. “Back when there was a baseball field and not a basketball court.” Apparently things were safer then than they are now. It surprised me. Everyone I’ve talked to in NA can identify with where I’m living in some way. Most of them say to think about moving because it’s a real hot spot. Needless to say- I don’t walk around at night.

Jack is one of those big Italian Catholic men who has the accent. He talks a lot, which I like in a funny sort of way. He’s charming in an honest way. He plays hockey and he was wearing his jersey to the meeting.  He told me to find my higher power and rest assure that this was not a cult. I could hear my mother’s voice in the back of my head saying “Rebecca, you’re not dumb. You can be kind of naive, just remember to stay away from all those cults.” I smiled, fading back into the leather of Jack’s big SUV.

The speaker was really good last night. A lot of times they get really animated and into what they are talking about. (Rightfully so) This one was a tour guide and had to put up with cranky old ladies. He was going over the sixth step which is something about ”personal defects”. I don’t like thinking about my shit qualities as defects. It makes me feel like some sort of robot that is supposed to be perfect and ”illiminate the defects.” or something like that. We all have shit qualities. We can tone them down, but they’re never going to disappear.

So far–I’m doing what I should be doing. I need to stay clean for about a month before I can start working on the 12 steps. I feel so ridiculous going to this stuff. Hugging. Talking about higher powers. Chanting prayers. It’s weird.

This morning I was so close to calling someone for dope. I got out my suboxone medicine instead. I don’t know if that’s good or not. Suboxone is to help get off heroin and I was prescribed to it by my doctor, but I had been on it for four days and decided to stop. The past couple of days have been nightmares though. I get these wicked cravings. My doctor said I should stay on it for two months, but I don’t want to get addicted to suboxone. What’s the point in that?

any suggestions?

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3 Responses to “9th day NA”

  1. bottlecappie Says:

    Hi!

    I’ve been on Suboxone for about 7 months, and it’s helped me a lot. I was addicted to dilaudid and OC, and I have depression and fibromyalgia. I don’t go to NA or AA either, just counseling and self-education to try to figure out how to live without drugs.

    If you are already addicted to herion, I don’t understand why you’re worried about getting addicted to Suboxone. Addiction is a function of the changes in your brain that occur when you abuse opiates. That’s why you get the cravings – the damage has already been done.

    Only abstaining from any opiates will heal your brain. Suboxone helps because it can give you enough stability to make changes in your life and learn some new coping skills – then you can taper off when you’re ready. It doesn’t cure addiction or heal your or anything…it’s just a tool that you can use to get some distance between you and your active addiction.

    Have you been to http://www.NAABT. org? There’s a ton of info about Sub there, and a lot of people post there who have gotten clean using sub. There are different opinions about how Sub should be used – as a detox drug or as a replacement therapy – but I guess that’s between anyone and their doctor. I think it’s a good idea to educate yourself as much as possible though.

    I also have a blog about my experience with Suboxone, come check it out if you want. Best of luck to you.

  2. MinneyMee Says:

    Hi Rebecca…just stopped in to check out your blog. Honey, take the suboxone. You read my story on my blog. I left you a message there. I have a group with loads of info in it for people who take suboxone. Just let me know and I can send you the link.

    You can do this. Quit worrying about becoming addicted to suboxone. Read my comment back to you in my blog. You will understand more.

    Keep your pretty little chin up. Your going to do this. Stay clean, your life is on a different path now honey and it is looking good.

    Hugs to you!
    http://ritajo60.wordpress.com/

  3. Christina Says:

    Hey freind… why don’t you move to mexico and do some volunteer work for a while…. eat some good food and meet some cool people… get out of your enviorment and see something new….
    you know, live life … instead of just living a life. Your a good writer… study abroad… it’s never to late
    leave the place you know like the back of your hand and take on a new way of life… discover

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